Monday, March 5, 2012

Manic Monday: How to dress like you still give a $*&t when you don't have time to...

These are my personal rules for venturing out in public:
1.  Before I go out in public, I ask myself if what I just put on is going to make me someones new poster-child for birth control.
2.  If my hair is dirty, I put a hat on.
3.  I'm a mega-dork fan of cardigans.  They're way more "done" than a sweatshirt, have the same extra-layer warmth, and they make jeans and a T look look it happened on purpose.  Wear a cool T-shirt or modern printed shirt under it and you won't look like your grandpa.
4.  I don't wear a lot of make-up.  I have one of those mouths that turns up just a little in the corners.  So I look the The Joker if I wear lipstick.  Frankly it freaks me out.  BUT, it takes me, literally, about 45 seconds to slap some tinted moisturizer on to cover up my adult acne, swipe a tiny bit of bronzer on my cheek bones (wherever they are now), smear on some lip balm, and add a coat of mascara.  Do this.  You'll be so happy when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the rear view mirror, and you look surprisingly human.
5.  I plan for the worst, and hope for the best.  Meaning, if I run into an old boyfriend, or meany-head former coworker at the grocery store, I don't want to look down and say to myself, "Self, you really should have covered up your greasy hair, ditched the sweat pants, and made sure that puke stain was hidden by a cute cardi."  Best case scenario?  I'm the best looking little old lady rockin' out with my cart out at 9am.
Grocery Store

Why I think this outfit is awesome:
~The hat covers your unwashed hair.  
~The t-shirt shows that you still have a personality.  
~The cardigan keeps you warm, doesn't hide your cool T, and is way more flattering then an over-sized sweatshirt.  
~The belt keeps your pants from gaping open in the back when you bend over (now that you have mom hips and no pair of pants on the face of the planet fits properly at the waist anymore).
~The skinny jeans are surprisingly comfy (they stretch), allow you to wear your comfy flats without dragging your pant legs in the mucky parking lot puddles.  And for those of you who are scared to wear "skinny" jeans over not-so-skinny hips... Get over it.  People aren't stupid.  They know your butt is the same size today in skinny jeans as it was yesterday in your boot-cut ones.  
~The flats rock because you don't have to tie them, and they make it look like you haven't given up (as opposed to wearing white running sneakers.  those have their place, and it's on your treadmill). 

Here's the deal ladies... It is NOT OK to leave the house in pajama pants.  Not even just to drive up along side the school's sidewalk, push your kids out, and speed away.  It's called Murphy's Law.  If you leave the house like that, you're going to need to run in with a forgotten lunch box.  And when you do, you're going to look like a college student that woke up in a hung-over stupor, and stole some lady's minivan.

Thanks for stopping by,


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